Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
