There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
did i just pee glitter
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
