How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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