yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize