I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
