I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
