I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
