When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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