if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
