at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
