oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
