Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need water and some morals
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm both gender and math confused
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
