your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
