6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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