I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
