Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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