i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
