You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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