I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
