I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize