I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
