WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize