Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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