OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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