a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
