Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize