worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
