Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
