The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
