Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
