why didn't you poke me back
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
