Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
