Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
