Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
