Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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