I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
