His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
