is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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