I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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