I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
