last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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