someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
