Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize