Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
