What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I AM VODKA MAN
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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