I just cut my nipple shaving
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You left your phone here
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