just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
