Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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