accomplished twins. life is a go
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize