dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
