mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
