He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
