she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
