How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
