so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
