I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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