it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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