I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize