so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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