hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
