I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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